Thoughts From The Peacock Angel

It’s a barbaric MONSTROUS practice.

Having to look a certain way to fit into the “industry standard” and make money.  Slowly turning myself into “goth-pinup barbie”

Today a client had the nerve to motherfucking bite my foot while he was worshipping it.  Ugh. I kicked him and he kept on biting me.  Also his lips felt like pudding and he started worshipping my foot while chewing gum.  I was like “Dude, my grandmother is in the hospital and I am in NO mood for your shit”

1. Panties: I find it to be, possibly, the world’s least sexy word.  ”painties” as my southern grandmother pronounced them are wonderful things, but the word is awful.  I may not be British, but I will damned well say knickers to avoid this hideous word.
2. Disrespecting: I hate it when people say “they were disrespecting me” I don’t know why, possibly because it’s something people only say when they’re creating drama, which brings me to…
3. Drama: “OMG they have drama” “OMG I hate drama” “OMG drama drama drama drama” Sweet baby jesus, shut the fuck up. The more we use this word to describe overly complex and silly social nonsense the more this shit happens.
4. “I could care less”: If you could care less, it means you care.  You’re wrong, and you shouldn’t be allowed to speak, because you’re clearly in no way aware of what you’re saying.  You mean “I couldn’t care less.”
5. Whore/Ho/etc used as insults: Shut your yap about other people’s sexual practices provided they’re with consenting adults.  Not your business, not to mention it reenforces fucked up stereotypes about women and shames sex workers.
6. Pretentious: People misuse this word all the damned time.  Pretention suggests aspiration to something one is not, if someone’s “just like that” they may be an asshole or a judgmental fucker, but they are not pretentious.
7. Nauseous: Nauseous originally meant something that is nauseating (E.G. “the rotten meat was nauseous”) so when someone says “I’m nauseous” I can’t help but think “Yes, your word usage makes me incredibly ill.”
8. Vajayjay: I maintain that anyone referring to a vagina this way is doing the work of Satan and should be drummed out of society immediately.
9. Gypsy: You are not allowed to use this word unless you are Romani and reclaiming it.  The end.
10. Shemale: Unless a trans woman directly says that she identifies as a “shemale” and prefers to be referred to that way, you should never ever ever ever ever use this word.  
11. “I hate the word moist”: I don’t get why people hate the word moist so much.  There are many things that should be moist, cake, brownies, vaginas.  All of these are good things, and your irrational hatred of the word moist is silly at best.

So, I use optimum online, because they’re the only bloody fucking service provider in the motherfucking area.  

On this month’s cable bill they chose to goddamn charge me an extra hundred bucks for a modem they refuse to tell me how to return.  I have now been on the phone with them for an hour.  If this goes on much longer I am going to cancel my service and then go down there and unleash a swarm of fire ants into their building.  

Fixed this post 

I will not state who these are directed at, each wish is for someone different.  I’m mean spirited a lot of the time, and so in this time of togetherness and gratitude, here are things I wish upon people I dislike.

1. I hope X goes bald and develops a beer gut.  
2. I hope X’s business fails.
3. I hope X’s partner finds out about their infidelity.
4. I hope X is denied parts even in community theater.
5. I hope X is arrested for public drunkenness and mildly inconvenienced
6. I hope X sprains their ankle.
7. I hope X is arrested for dealing drugs, which would be a wholly legitimate charge.
8. I hope X joins a cult.
9. I hope X is eternally unable to find their car keys.
10. I hope X is defrauded out of a moderate but not excessive sum of money, ideally in a situation which will lead to mild public embarrassment.
11. I hope X gets a pimple of the tip of their nose.
12. I hope X’s microwave breaks.
13. I hope X develops an allergy to a food they particularly enjoy.

And that is my list of ill wishes for now.

• Dane Cook - Sir, you are not funny, have never been funny, and will never be funny.  Please go away.
• Lettuce - You show up everywhere, and proceed to give me a stomach ache.
• My girlfriend’s midterms - You drastically reduce the amount of sex I get, thus you are evil.
• Adam Sandler - I hate you for many reasons, your terrible comedy, your general douche-bagginess, but most of all because of Funny People, watching you attempt to play a sympathetic character made me want to stab you in the face more than usual.
• The Religious Right - Self explanatory.
• Ben Affleck - Your head looks like a handsome guy sculpted out of meat, this bothers me more than is probably rational.
• Playboy Magazine, and Hugh Heffner: You sir, are a big misogynist douche and your magazine is not sexy, not even a little.
• Rap Metal - Because you’ve taken the worst aspects of two genres of music, added impenetrably bad fashion choices and created an infernal genre of music from the inbred hick corners of hell.
• Paper Mache - Actually, I don’t so much hate you as fear you, but god I do fear you.
• H.R. Puffenstuff - Similar to paper mache, I actually fear you more than I hate you… though I still hate you, largely because of your voice and the upsetting hints of pedophilia in your character.
• Clinique - How is it your skin care line is the most popular in the world?  Your toner dries out skin and contains an obscene amount of alcohol and your moisturizer is meh at best.
• Cute Ukes in Yaoi - Wait, isn’t yaoi supposed to be guy/guy?  These are not men, these are unholy mixtures of pre-teen girls, precious moments figurines, and furbies from hell.  Not to mention they behave like the most awful stereotypes of whiny, needy, clingy femininity.  Frankly, I’m offended by them.
• Creationists - You’re irrational, that is all.
• Over priced thrift shops - Damn all you hipsters driving up the price of prom dresses from the 80s.
• Chicken Soup for the Soul or Any Other Pseudo-Inspirational Crap - I was made to read these when I was hospitalized for anorexia.  These made me determined to stay anorexic, because if it was between mental illness or poorly written pseudo inspirational dribble… I’d choose mental illness every damn time.
• The Serenity Prayer - See above.
• Torture Porn a la Saw - Because it’s not scary, and frankly, not interesting.  If it were scary or interesting, I’d enjoy it.
• Menstruation - …everybody hates menstruation, seriously, everybody.
• Jennifer Anniston - I just find her profoundly irritating for some reason.
• Hottopic - If you want to be “alternative” be alternative, quit buying from giant multinational corporations who test market every aspect of their “different” image.  
• People Who Wear Sweat Pants or Pajama Pants out of the House - You clearly have no regard for the rest of humanity, and no respect for anyone around you.  If you cared even a little about making an impression other than “I’m fucking lazy” you would put on real goddamn pants.  This is true for men and women of all ages.  Making a statement is cool, being too lazy to care about anything is just… lazy.  You’re the reason everyone hates America.
• People Who Hate The Founding Fathers, and Especially Howard Zinn: You illogical motherfuckers, yes I acknowledge the founding fathers were men of their time, they had slaves, they treated women like property… but for their time they were revolutionarily liberal, if they were men of today they’d be fighting for gay rights and reforming government to minimize corporate control.  Judge them as men of their time, judging historical figures by the standards of today is ridiculous, you might as well demand to know why Tesla didn’t manage to invent the internet while he was at it.
• Men who get Offended When I Take Their Comments On My Appearance The “Wrong” Way - I do not appreciate being told “I’d like to stick my dick in you and spin you around” or “I would do filthy filthy things to you” by men who I have indicated my sexual preference to, straight guys… imagine how uncomfortable you’d feel if a gay man said those things to you.  Yeah, you wouldn’t like it any better.