And here’s the thing, I’m not sex pos the way the sex negs I know and like mean sex pos, and I’m not sex neg the way I think of sex neg.
I think basically, the problem is both of these movements were corrupted by the patriarchy and we don’t have another way to talk about this shit yet (I’m suggesting Sex Pragmatic)
I AM PISSED OFF that men believe they have a right to my body (or women’s bodies, or bodies they perceive as womanish, feminine, or simply not manly enough for their preferences). I am pissed off that when I was seventeen, the middle aged dude who played Eddie in the shadow cast for RHPS (which I’d just seen for the 4th time with a cast) cornered me, and badgered me until I showed him my tits.
I AM ALSO PISSED OFF that my abusive ex-boyfriend thought it was “degrading” for him to come on my face, but had no trouble biting me (non-sexually and non-consensually to the point where I was crying) and I am even more pissed off that I felt obligated to take it because “Oh I’m kinky, my second waver parents taught me that kinkiness is a mental problem stemming from issues with sex that make you crave abusive relationships… so I guess this is what I fucking want, there isn’t anything else out there for a fucked up masochist like me.” I am pissed that he felt “Too guilty” to deliver the longed for, consented to sexual pain, but slapping me across the face when I wasn’t home when he wanted me to be was fine, threatening to shove my hand into broken glass for breaking one was fine, trying to force one of my eyes from the socket was JUST FUCKING FINE, as long as when he fucking raped me the sex was vanilla.
I AM PISSED that dudes who know I am submissive, who know that I have issues with sex neg feminism expect me to be on their side when they’re perpetuating rape culture.
I AM PISSED OFF that sex neg feminists love to focus on “Violent sexuality” (meaning BDSM, fetishism, what have you) and hand wave or barely mention the fucked up coercive shit that happens during vanilla sex.
I AM PISSED OFF that sex pos feminists hand wave the rape that happens in BDSM (which I in part attribute to a culture of “women have to expect a little rape with their sex if they’re going to have sex, or be sexual, or be in public… or not locked in her house with an ak-47 wearing full plate armor, a chastity belt, and a burqa (in case sexy armor lady arouses somebody with her full plate armor)
I AM PISSED OFF about Fifty Shades of Grey. I am pissed off about its romanticization of rape. I am pissed off about its portrayal of an interest in the harder elements of BDSM as “Fixable”
I AM PISSED OFF that there are still people who believe that power dynamics, and “violence” in play are wrong, or a sign of an oppressive society. Chess, cops and robbers, tic-fucking-tac-toe, Dungeons and Dragons, these are all games of D/s to an extent. Play at competition isn’t a bad thing. A consensual play power dynamic is a problem when a group is relegated to one role in that game. It also becomes a problem when people feel obligated to play. Struggle is narrative, and I like narrative during sex.
I AM ALSO PISSED off that “Oooh straight cis men who are into being the dominant are all creepy” is a fucking thing. YES there are a shit load of creepy ones, but I see people who are all about not shaming women for their sexualities saying this shit. Ok then, how do you think submissive women who are attracted to cis men all or part of the time feel after you fucking say that shit? It’s like “Well, you’re allowed to fantasize about a magical non-misogynistic male dom, but they don’t exist, so any time you have sex with a straight cis dude the way you like, you’re actually reenforcing rape culture… but don’t worry about that, I’m not shaming you.”
I AM PISSED that the friend I ran to after my abusive ex boyfriend beat the shit out of me one night sexually assaulted me, sending me running back to my ex.
I AM PISSED ABOUT THE INSIDIOUS BASTARD REASONS that fewer women seek out sex workers. I strongly suspect it has a lot to do with the fucked up shit that women are told about their bodies, how because women are all so freaking hideous (or supposed to be gorgeous or whatever) that in order to fuck, in order to enjoy a sexual activity they have to feel their partner is physically attracted to them.
I AM PISSED about sex positivity having been co-opted by the least oppressed, and I am pissed about sex positive feminism CONTINUING to treat sex workers like shit… even when we’re half the reason the movement exists in the first place.
I AM PISSED about laws that punish sex workers and not traffickers, pimps and abusers, all in the name of protecting the vulnerable.
I AM PISSED about having sex neg feminists AND the patriarchy telling me I am too stupid/deluded to make my own decisions about my goddamn body.
I AM PISSED OFF that because I like pain it has to have something to do with how I was socialized.
I AM PISSED OFF that a trans lady porn star I know and care about has a radscum sister who misgenders her, despises her for her career choice and continues to mooch off of her, and my friend lets her because she’s too sweet.
I AM PISSED OFF about middle class cis white ladies blaming sex workers for the patriarchy.
I AM PISSED OFF about the sympathy for sex workers radscum have. It’s the impulse that calls for a ban on abortion, but doesn’t do a thing to reduce unplanned pregnancies, doesn’t do a thing to help the children that come after. They don’t want to see women forced by economic factors to do a job they consider degrading. They see a poor woman, a woman who chose to do sex work rather than starve, or lose her house, or have no time to see her family, and their impulse is not to examine the economic factors that placed her there, not to try and reduce the numer of women who live in extreme poverty, no, of course not. They want to ban the objectionable line of work. They have no issue with women working eighteen hour days scrubbing toilets, working with noxious cleaning chemicals unprotected, because her precious virtue is safe, she is not stoking the fire of male lust (though she’s an easy target for harassers, rapists, her boss)
I AM PISSED about the exclusion of trans women and POC and fat people and disabled people from sex positivity AND sex negativity.
I AM PISSED about the fact that sex pos or sex neg, I still motherfucking see rape apologism.
I AM PISSED that any movement with the goal of allowing women and other groups oppressed by the kyriarchy agency over their own sexuality gets co-opted by the people we were tying to fucking escape.
I AM PISSED about the smug “your sexual interests didn’t develop in a vacuum” line that radscum love using when I discuss my impulses, my inclinations. I grew up with second wave feminist parents,in an area filled with second wave sex neg feminists. (primarily homeschooled without a TV no less) I was raised to believe that sex was degrading to women because doing it in any of the ways that sounded fun to me upheld the patriarchy. I was raised in a place where femininity was seen as weakness, where I was FAR too girly, where I was the oppressor, I was the problem. So yeah, my interests didn’t develop in a fucking vacuum, they developed in a fucking second wave paradise. You know who else’s interests didn’t develop in a vacuum? D, my dom, who shares the same weird fucked up (awesome) kinks I do, and you know who raised him? Radscum. He and I share a very high sex drive, and poor thing felt guilty about it for years. Pathologizing sex is… fucked.
I AM PISSED that it’s ok to treat my body like public property.
I AM PISSED about submissive men who whine when I will not fulfill their particular fantasy. I offer them a referral, it doesn’t matter, it’s about their right to my body, to have their fucking fantasy fulfilled with my flesh.
I AM ALSO PISSED about the sexworker-good/victim, and John-creepy/evil/oppressor shit. It happens, sure it fucking happens, but to champion what I do and denigrate my many wonderful clients in the same breath. Fuck that shit.
I AM ALSO REALLY PISSED that we can’t talk about bad shit that happens in kink, that happens in the sex industry, for fear of setting off the sexneg radscum, using our desire for better treatment as proof of their point. “SEE I TOLD YOU IT WAS ALL EVIL” For fear of turning the sex pos trendies against us… or getting them to ally with the radscum.
I AM PISSED OFF that other people get to decide what acts are “violence” against me. If you’re not a masochist who’s experienced abuse, you do NOT know the difference. It’s vast and profound, it’s he same difference drawn between that lies between sex and rape. One is traumatic, the other is not.
I am not sex pos or sex neg the way you fucking think about it. I am against violation of consent. I am for consent. I am for women being helped not to be put in economic situations that force them into jobs they find hellish. I am for sex work not being seen as so degrading. I am for women not having to feel bad for what they do with consenting adults. I am for treating each other like people, like full on people, because at least then someone will.
I am for a culture where narratives are seen as more a barometer, and I am for survival, and fixing the shit that makes it harder to do so.
I am for whatever we need to do to get through the day. I call it “sex pragmatism”